Braving the Bikini….

I used to wear a bikini and then somewhere along the line, I moved to tankini which was a disaster. Tankinis sounded super cute but in fact, it’s just a version of tank top that must have shrunk to sit weirdly above the belly button allowing the muffin top to look like a dozen donuts.

I also tried the one piece. Another disaster. A “sleek” one piece on me is like wrapping cookie dough in saran wrap. I experimented with the ones that had the “textured” middle but that just fluffed out the flab.

My next gravitation was to the sporty skort with longer top. This was quite fun until my hips went horizontal and caused the skort to skimp and reveal nether regions of raciness. I can barely tweeze my brows and shave my legs. If I have to do more grooming than that, I best buy a burka.

What I need is tasteful yet fun. Like the 50’s.

Here is the reckoning. The best looking women are the ones that show up as themselves and shine. It’s not the style or physique, it’s mindset. While I am stressing about the spandex not sucking in my stomach, someone may be looking and thinking, “WOW! Great legs“.

This summer, I am committed to making the shift. I will find my shine. Even though I failed with my Mediterranean diet, I exercised everyday. I chose on line work outs and made the commitment to sweat.

When I first started, if a workout session included burpees, I hit fast forward. I hated burpees. I hated them because they are stupid and hard and make everything hurt. Even though they are kind of stupid, I realized I hated them because I couldn’t do them anymore. I would do one and then slip into downward dog and pretend that was sort of the same thing.

I don’t know what part of me felt that I had to keep up with an online fitness program. They couldn’t see me! What part of “I have a remote control” did I not understand? I stopped hitting fast forward and would just hit “pause” and do the moves and do them at my pace. Today, I can now do burpees. I still hate them but I can do them. I am in my fifties. My physique is fluffy with a splash of flab but I am getting fit. Small wins.

I am pleased with my fitness but I am uncomfortable with my shape. I am embarrassed to be in a bathing suit because everything shows. All my imperfections are out in the open. I don’t like that I am not what I used to be. That other “me” that used to be 20 pounds lighter. It’s a weird walk of shame and then it dawned on me. This feeling isn’t about fit or fat, this is a metaphor about me. I don’t want to be seen in a bathing suit or in any other context. I want to hide in the cabana.

When I go to any social function, I have to talk myself off the ledge. I need cue cards to remind me of positive social topics that are neutral in content. I wear bright pink lipstick to give me courage. I try really hard to stay with small talk and say the “right” thing but before you know it, I veer off script and am knee deep in dialogue and debate with a heavy hand of out loud commentary. No amount of spandex is going to keep me tucked in and even if I just drink water, my mouth still runs off like I’ve had a few glasses of white. This all leads to the morning sense of regret. “Did I really say that?” “I wonder if they understood what I was saying?” “Should I have said that?” “Did they enjoy the conversation or just pretend to be polite?” And my favourite part of morning after reflection, “should I call them today and explain?” I just want to put on my bathing suit cover up and hide.

My goal continues to be to stop the self loathing and negative self-talk. I am working on reframing my self perceptions to a “what if” in the positive. “What if they liked my ideas?” “What if they were interested in what I said?” “What if they admired someone being outspoken?” I am also working on accepting that generally whatever I say, is really what I mean. I need to stop pretending I like the small talk. I like debate and deep social dialogue. I like hearing new ideas and hashing out concepts and possibilities. I like weighing in on topics many prefer to avoid. I like the mental stimulation that comes from hearing what other people think. I like the second layer, even if it gets messy.

Squishing into a bathing suit is super uncomfortable and so is squashing myself into being someone other than who I am. I tend to do both to try and “fit”. I seek approval and acceptance and yet make the standards of my self acceptance so high that there is not a hope in hell that I will ever reach it.

I need to stop being afraid. My jiggly bits are my insecurities. I don’t feel I am “enough” but I am trying to ease that load.

I am afraid of wearing a bikini and I am afraid of being me. It’s time for positive action and to make a change. This summer, I will brave the bathing suit and being me.

Here’s to having the courage we need to become more than we thought we could (and to finding the bathing suit that fits to perfection). Here’s to the shine that lives within!

With love,

Shelley