If anyone were to walk into my bedroom at 2am in the morning, they would see me wide awake and would wonder why . My husband wouldn’t ask this because he is fast asleep and snoring. He has no idea that every night, I wake up at 2am and sweat. Not panic sweat, just life after 50 sweat. It lasts long enough that I get a nap before I have another nighttime workout. In fact, I usually “work out” three times a night.
I am desperate for a good night sleep, to wake up refreshed and not sweaty. I am also desperate to find my waist again.
The magic of Google is you can just punch in a question and it spits out thousands of answers. When I asked “How can I get a better sleep and find my waist”, herbal remedies made the first search page. Flaxseed, black cohosh, evening primrose oil, Vitamin E, B and D and more. I learned about phytoestrogen which I quite liked. It’s well known for its presence in red wine. It has been shown to reduce chronic pain. I don’t have chronic pain but perhaps that’s because I drink red wine. I searched to see if drinking white wine might help me sleep. That wasn’t successful.
There comes a point when the information is so overwhelming that you just want it packaged in a little box. Like my red wine. Keep it easy.
I looked at all the suggested herbs and Google pinpointed me to a site that declared ” Thermogenic Probiotics do more than just provide support to the gut, immunity and digestive function. They have also been studied to impact fat storage, calorie absorption, & provide support for a prime metabolic state.” WOW! “prime metabolic state”. This sounded good and gave hope for sleep with a sign of skinny! Just two capsules a day and I would start feeling like “me” again. I quickly got out my credit card.
My gift with purchase should have been a t-shirt that said “hook, line and sinker” or better yet “SUCKER“.
The next morning I woke up with buyers remorse. Let me simplify what happened. I started off as desperate. I then listened to a man tell me that he had the answers. He played his magic flute and the lovely ladies appeared to confirm that my desperation could be solved by buying a bottle of thermogenic probiotics. In other words, I likely just spent $109 US dollars on snake oil.
In the sanity of the morning sun, I looked up thermogenic probiotics and sure enough, they supress appetite and have been known to be effective in conjunction with diet and exercise. No shit Sherlock. Everything is effective with diet and exercise except I can’t quite figure out the new diet or exercise.
And here’s my next confession. That wasn’t my only purchase. In the sanity of the morning sun, it got cloudy and I found myself listening to someone else tell me how I had been exercising all wrong and likely not eating the right food combinations. Oh. Look at that, the answer to my diet and exercise program. Did you know that for women over 50, we should be eating more and only exercising 20 minutes a day. True story. I read it on the internet and hit “pay now”.
Sleep deprivation has been a documented means of torture. Ask any new mother. With very little sleep, one does not function well or make good decisions. I can attest to this. I am waiting for snake oil while I browse through my new pdf cookbook that came with a FREE bonus of extra HIIT workouts. All which likely could have been found individually on the internet. Idiot. I am an idiot. Perhaps I should consider swampland in Florida.
I am guilty of wanting the quick fix and doing anything to feel “normal”. Most days, I feel like a piece of bread that has been left to soak in water and then set out on the counter to mold. It makes me think that women’s health is still on the backburner and not front and centre. I also have to admit that I am annoyed that people are making money off my desperation. My silent suffering is possibly because this is what women have always done but do we have to keep doing it?
I have been thinking a great deal about silent suffering and it’s bigger and broader than what I imagined. Look at the social movements that have been activated all over the globe. There is a spotlight shining on systems that have created to take advantage of circumstance. I have found this to be uncomfortable because somehow I am complicit. I can relate. Like reading about natural remedies, reading historical wrongs is complicated. There is no “quick fix” for my middle or the conversation around race. You can’t hit “pay now” and it’s going to be ok. The genie is out of the bottle.
I want to admit that I closed my eyes and ears. Racism is a painful subject and I don’t know where to begin. I have decided to “jump”. I am going to lean in and start reading and learning. I will keep my eyes wide open, even when things get ugly, uncomfortable and my insides start to squirm.
This week, in between my magic potion binge purchases, I ordered the following books:
White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo
How to Be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi
White Like Me by Tim Wise
21 Things You May Not Know About the Indian Act by Bob Joseph
I’m Still Here by Austin Channing Brown
What is becoming clear to me is that somehow “we” have to make things right. My favourite quote for the week is “the system isn’t broken, it was built this way“. I reflect on structures of power and realms of discrimination and believe that we have to rebuild with new purpose and intent. I want to start this work and I hope that the above reading list will help give me language that will allow me to participate with clear and constructive contribution. Policies that foster racism have to be changed. I want to be part of the solution and no longer complicit by sitting on the sidelines.
I listened to the podcast by Austin Channing Brown and it made me upset and uncomfortable and yes…. a little bit mad. She hit a nerve. I think that means I have to peel back layers of the onion.
I live by the bumper sticker “change is a long conversation” but I am thinking that this conversation has been going on for far too long and it’s time for action and to get into the game. This makes me nervous because I don’t have the playbook. This whole “white privilege” is really unnerving and to understand it, I have to learn about it and then “own” it and then change it. It’s going to be an uncomfortable ride.
I believed in magic, spells and potions. Anything that would take a complicated hurt and make it better. I put my money into the “quick” fix because that was easy. Real change will take real action. There is no room to profit off circumstance and struggle. That doesn’t resonate as the “right” thing to do. We can do better. I can do better. The call to action is now.
This is not an easy place to be and as a white woman, it feels super awkward. I feel the need to take the blame and in that blame, I feel shame and I also feel confused because I thought I was a good person. What I am learning is that is not enough. I closed my eyes to the awfulness and found ways to ignore what was happening. I numbed myself to a constant reality and that is not ok. Things are not right and that has to be said out loud along with a demand for systemic change sooner than later.
If ever there was a time of desperation, I think it might be now. This is a full on call to action for each of us. Together, we can do hard things that make a difference.
With love & commitment for a better tomorrow, for everyone.
Shelley
QUOTE BY AUSTIN CHANNING BROWN
“I will not and cannot prioritize trying to change someone’s mind/heart. We’d have to consult with historians but my guess is that a changed heart was rarely the catalyst for change. My guess is money, politics, media or the voice of the people was the real catalyst”
And Then I Jumped...... 