Little Lies and Coming Out

If you haven’t binged on the series Schitt’s Creek, might I suggest you start now. Like right now. Don’t let the title put you off; just dive in. It’s incredibly human on many levels. Catherine O’Hara (Moira) describes the show “It’s like we’re aliens learning how to be humans.” Yes Moira; aliens learning how to be human. I get that. I live that T-shirt everyday.

It’s not only human, it’s razor sharp wit and brilliant social commentary. I have a love affair for every character. It eloquently epitomizes the messiness of life and being loved despite “of“. Oh yes, an absolute feel good comedy that resonates as “real“.

The show itself is a success story that serves to inspire. The creators had this concept that they hustled in hopes of funding. Dismissed time and again but they persevere and find their voice on the Canadian Broadcasting Channel (CBC) and are given free reign on comedic commentary. Flash forward six seasons and the show is now being internationally acclaimed. It’s not just the show itself but the stories of the people.

Annie Murphy plays the Alexis Rose. Even if you haven’t watched the show, you might have caught wind of the viral song / performance “A Little Bit Alexis“. Night clubs light up and people break out in song and dance. Just Google it. But I digress….this is the story I want to tell. Annie is a Canadian actress. She hadn’t worked for two years. She had $300 in the bank and two days before she was asked to audition, her house burned down. Going to the edge and not falling off.

Jennifer Robertson is another Canadian actress who found a home with Schitt’s Creek. The day before she landed the role of Jocelyn Schitt, she had applied at Petco as a forklift driver. She was perilously close to her financial edge. She didn’t fall off either.

These are just two characters, I kind of think the whole cast has their own story. Coming up the middle and breaking through the surface. Real people keeping the hope alive and owning authenticity that resonates with soul and purpose.

It makes me think, if you hold your breath long enough, we all might come up for air and burst into a world where dreams come true.

Schitt’s Creek has become a pandemic comfort. I feel absolutely no guilt about the binge. In fact, I think I’m going to start the series again with new contemplation.

I need some contemplation. A few weeks ago, I hit a speed bump that threw me for a curve and flung me into a pity party that started at 3am and wouldn’t stop until I did “something“. What does one do at a pity party when the music sucks? I took to scrolling and somewhere between 4 am and 5am, I found myself subscribing to NOOM. I know…..just when you think it doesn’t get darker, someone always trips, falls and bumps their head on the coffee table.

In my case, I fell into this weird world of NOOM (Moon spelled backwards) that is supposed to be purposeful in helping me make small shifts to achieve my health goals. To simplify the definition of what I have just done would be to say, I signed up for a different version of Weight Watchers. Does anyone have a flashlight? It’s very dark in here.

I’ve been looking for a new framework for my life. Truth be told, I have a total rebuild that is required. My expertise in recreating my life is zero so I figured I needed outside assistance. The jury is still out on whether decisions made in the middle of the night are worthy or just crazy. All I know is that where I wanted to be is nowhere near where I am and that’s after a year of “trying“. If something isn’t working, it seems reasonable to rethink the process.

So here I am. A new NOOM member. The first week was a bit rough. I found myself lying to the NOOM Bot. This would be the Artificial Intelligence (AI) part of the program. Who lies to an algorithm? I do. It’s Easter and I found myself asking “are Hersey Eggies sugar or an actual egg“? I needed the points for the category so in my mind, they are now a protein. I am embarrassed. Lying to NOOM. Can it get much lower? It appears it can because I also restart the quizzes to ensure a perfect scrore. WHO DOES THIS? I need to be super clear on this point. I cheated in a program that I am PAYING for that is only assessed by an algorithm. I suck.

At this point, I should back the bus up. You may or may not be interested in how I fell down this rabbit hole. I took a “test”. The NOOM “ad” asked me if I would like to fit into a pair of skinny jeans and I said “yes”. They then directed me to a quiz that asked me how much weight I would like to lose. I answered the questions and they advised me that I could do this by May 15th. May 15th? After a year of “trying”, I could achieve my goal by May 15th? That is less than two months! Entering my credit card…….

This is why one should not make decisions in the dark. I completed a survey, got the results that I “wanted” and hit “pay now“. I am an idiot. This isn’t new shoes from Amazon. NOOM is not going to “deliver” my new weight. I actually have to “do” the work. May 15th is dependent on my following the program and not LYING about how many Hersey Eggies I am sneaking in for breakfast.

Week two. Even if I lie, the scale doesn’t. OMG, it was so much easier when I could say “I’ve tried everything!” and throw up my hands in despair. I could win an Academy Award for victim.

Real change comes from admitting what isn’t working. According to the colour coding system of NOOM, I find great joy in the “red” reporting. This is where I have to be accountable for how many Hersey Eggies I am actually enjoying with the real number of glasses of red wine which are accompanied by toasted sour dough bread that tastes divine with avacado. I was under the impression that I was very “healthy“. Avacado has healthy fats and wine is essentially grapes in a glass. Entering my stats showed a different reality.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall….who’s the biggest liar of them all…?“

Dammit.

Looking in the mirror takes some courage. Things weren’t working and it’s because I kept a blind eye. I have to be accountable. I feel somewhat pathetic that what keeps me accountable is an “app”.

For change to take place, I have to be honest and accept that choices have consequences. I hide the Hersey Eggies in the trunk of the car. Sometimes I hear them late at night. They are mournful as they call my name. Sometimes I ignore them, most times I have to check and see if they are ok. I will only know if they are ok if I taste them. And then I have to record them in the app. Choices have consequences.

Over the past year, I have made choices that haven’t supported my end game. Being a victim is super easy, I don’t even have to dress up. I just show up. If I want to stop NOOM from charging my credit card for the rest of my life, I have to change my ways and lean into the process. Leaning in means looking over the edge. I have a fear of heights. No wonder I take shelter with sugar.

Since my “reckoning“, I feel more accountable and I’m learning what needs to be tweaked. I now have an “actual” coach with NOOM. I don’t know if “Bobbi” is male or female but I guess it doesn’t matter. I actually participate with my “group” and tell them what’s challenging for me. These people are complete strangers and yet, I am going to tell them who I am and what I struggle with. I am hoping my “group” becomes a new sense of “community” where I can practice admitting being flawed as a human. So far, so good. They understand the struggle of feeling compelled to answer the call of an Eggie…..

I wish I could say that my look in the mirror was only about skinny jeans. Choices are often related to feelings. I heard a line the other day. “Ghosts in the walls that hold you back”.

That rings true. If I have had the illusion of being completely “healthy”, I wonder what other illusions there are. Am I really the best wife I could be? How about mother? Does my impression of myself match a reality or am I am lying to myself there too? It’s not just the scale I need to look at, I think I need to look closer into the eyes of those I love and find out if I am really present. Do I give them joy or do I just go through the motions. I can’t be one dimensional in my curiosity. Skinny jeans are not the goal, living a full and happy life is.

The actors from Schitt’s Creek all had ambitions that they almost gave up on and yet found one last breath to break through the surface and soar upwards. If you are breaking free and bursting with an inner brilliance, the ghosts in the walls don’t have any hold.

If you have been following this blog, you know that there is a bit of a theme…… I built a travel business, it was actually successful and then COVID arrived and blew everything up. I’ve been trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces and find a new start. In finding my new start, I am completely intrigued with how others are managing and what I can learn.

On a local level, there is a cute little restaurant that is owned by a most incredible human. He is smart, intuitive, creative, hard working and was held hostage by his own ghosts. This past year, he broke free and by doing so, all of his best qualities have become “more”. This new depth resulted in a complete transformation of the restaurant that now speaks to who “he is”. He can sign his signature with pride. I sit on the sidelines and am humbled and inspired by his growth and honesty.

The week of the new grand opening, I had to go by. OK. Since I am being honest, I have done a million “drive by’s” to see the steps of transformation. Of course I had to see the final outcome and wasn’t disappointed. It was beautiful.

While the owner is a gorgeous soul, so is his partner and I am completely enthralled and totally captivated. He is wise, kind and spiritual. I’m not sure how he does it but when he talks to me, there is no choice but to answer from the bottom of the heart. That night, we spent three hours talking. He held my hand and with every topic, the conversation went deeper. We talked about the journey of change, of being honest and living a true life. I told him things that I had never admitted to anyone, not even myself. Mirror, mirror on the wall…..

In the presence of someone who is soulful and sincere, there is no hiding or ducking. You have to tell the truth. We talked about the journey and he said, “Shelley, coming out is not about being gay. It’s about coming out as yourself”.

Everything stood still and in that moment, I walked away from the wall and the ghosts lost their hold.

If I am going to be my self, I need to BE MY SELF. For years, I have been wearing a t-shirt with “should” on the front. As a wife, mother, daughter and professional, I have felt that I “should” behave a certain way. What “way” remains a tad bit fuzzy but somehow I have translated that to mean that now I am of a certain vintage, my skirts should now be knee length and table dancing with a shot of tequila while singing Sweet Home Alabama might not be considered “suitable” or “appropriate“. No wonder I feel as though I can’t breath. I have been following some odd code of conduct in hopes of being considered “respectable“. Living as a “should” has likely kept me separate; likely kept me from being truly present in not only my life but the life of others.

Who the heck am I trying to impress and why do I want to be their friend if they frown at a fun night of table dancing? Furthermore, if they aren’t a fan of “Sweet Home Alabama“, what on earth could we have in common?

What does it mean to fully show up as myself? The “should” label has been a form of safe armor. As he held my hand, I had a moment of realization. I want to be a part of a community that is fulling accepting. I want to live in Schitt’s Creek. I want to live in my own skin and live my truth.

“Coming out” is burning the “should” shirt and wearing the I AM version. I am flawed, I am scared and I wear scarves in hopes that no one will notice that even in my 50’s, I have no idea what it is to successfully “adult”. I don’t want to be judged for my shortcomings and in return, I have no judgement for anyone else. It’s exhausting. I want to be happy and I want you to be happy. I want to keep digging through the layers that have buried my creativity and find MY SELF so I can live MY SELF. Just writing it feels very freeing.

I see why people hold onto their deepest dreams and don’t give up. They are the courageous people that inspire me. I also see that giving up isn’t about giving up the dream, it’s when we give up on ourselves. I did that. I can raise my hand. I did that. I gave up and pretended that I wasn’t. Just ask NOOM. You don’t have to lie if you are telling the truth.

To be human is to be kind. It’s hard. Being human is hard. The judgements and expectations rob us of the fun. It’s hard work pretending and conforming. No wonder my clothes didn’t fit. I am excited to unbuckle. As David Rose says, “I like the wine, not the label”. Good one David. I’m a bit tired of pretending and wearing labels that don’t honestly reflect the true contents.

And as for Schitt’s Creek, I know it’s a place of pretend but what if it’s not? What if this is the example that we could all achieve. I like that vision. I like what it might feel like to feel accepted and I’m talking about me.

What a journey and how exciting the destinations that are yet to come. I can’t wait to start living a technicolor life! There will still be curves and bumps but when it gets dark, I won’t scroll. I will think of Schitt’s Creek and Johnny Rose “We’re all going to be ok“. Yes we are Johnny, yes we are.

To you my friends, thank you for being kind. Thank you for a place and space where it’s ok to cling to small lies and then grow to be more no matter the age or stage.

With love,

Shelley