I’ve recently taken up mediation. My husband Wayne is a bit critical of my practice. He says that he doesn’t think people snore when they meditate. Whatever Wayne.
I’ve been looking for a way to ease some of the anxiety that I have been feeling lately. While Netflix and a glass of wine were lovely, it was more an escape route than the path to enlightenment. Shame.
Lately, I have been feeling agitated. My stomach is in knots and the sense of unease about everything just won’t go away. I have a million things “on the go” but nothing is feeling fluid. Life feels chaotic, like volts of electricity that won’t ground. According to Dr. Google, what I seem to be feeling is anxiety.
Likely I should cut myself some slack. Coming out of COVID was like being locked in the house for over a year and opening the door to suddenly find a million new fresh starts. The world was so bright that I had to shut the door. It was too soon. I needed to let my eyes adjust. For months my biggest accomplishment was getting dressed before bed. Having to get out and get engaged in living was more complicated than choosing what to wear (even if it was just choosing which pair of black yoga pants…..). This new world felt overwhelming and with so many sudden changes, I needed to close the door and catch my breath.
Once I had a second wind, I could open the door to face the changes that had occurred. In response, I applied to go back to school, took on new work positions to supplement the COVID loss of income and leaned in to new learning curves. While that felt manageable, albeit scary, the optimism of a post COVID world was quickly dulled with the arrival of wildfires that currently plague us. While our town is not in imminent danger, those around us are either on evacuation order or on evacuation alert. It’s hot, dry and so smoky that on some days, it’s hard to determine if it is dawn or dusk. Honestly, can’t we just get a break? Bloody hell. A world pandemic, social and economic upheaval, unequivocal losses and now I find myself in the middle of the world that is burning at a rapid pace. Hell has not frozen over, it’s just taking over.
When I feel stress and uncertainty, I clean. Somehow I drank the Koolaid that said if the house is clean house, life will be ok. I’ve totally tipped in my obsession. I’m sure that if I missed a day, the mop and broom would come find me. Since I don’t pay the stove much attention, I know I won’t be missed there. The bathroom might pipe up and wonder my whereabouts but my family? They would breathe a collective sigh of relief as I am driving them crazy with my nitpick nagging about insignificant dirt and dust.
I’m seeking a sense of calm to put my anxiousness at bay. To this end, I took a walk in the woods. I was in awe. The forest was a castle that shone in stillness and the silence. Nothing moved. The loudest sound was a lone mosquito. I saw what inner peace must feel like. I closed my eyes and inhaled, hoping I could internalize what nature seemed to find so effortless.
What I have come to recently recognize is that all these new things and changes in my life have caused me to feel flummoxed. I was on a set path and then the world changed leaving my new landscape to feel unfamiliar and uncertain. The changes are actually freedom in disguise but since I haven’t found the guidebook to learn how to navigate this new landscape, I have chosen to hide behind the door and deepen my friendship with my mop and broom. I see why I snore and watch Netflix. It’s easier and less messy. Denial is neat and tidy.
Small problem. I have unwittingly been “numbing” rather than living. I was jolted into this revelation on July 19th when my sister told me that one of her very dear friends lost her battle to cancer. In that moment, the sunset dimmed and the universe shone less brightly. I never knew Susan but many others I know did. Her death has left a gaping hole in lives, hearts and in the world at large. Watching the collective grief was heart wrenching and the question raised over and over again was “why?”. Why are the very best taken so soon? It feels so unjust and incredibly unfair.
Susan was described as “an effervescent light in the life of everyone she met“. She had been a world traveler, a lover of languages and a consummate adventurer. She loved those around her with full commitment and deep love. She was a devoted mother, wife and friend. She lived life with a unique sense of fullness that inspired many.
In 2011 she was diagnosed with breast cancer. As someone who was built “strong“, she didn’t miss a beat. She founded a running group and fundraised in the annual “Run for the Cure“. Her fellow runners named a particular steep hill “Susan’s Hill” in recognition of her grit and determination to overcome everything and live life fully. She was inspirational. People would follow her example and “storm the hill” hoping to capture her spirit of courage and commitment. When Susan ran, she ran like she lived; with everything she had and more.
With breast cancer behind her, she focused on all that was important to her. But cancer is insidious and refuses to lose. Less than a year ago, she was diagnosed with brain cancer. Once again, there was a hill to be taken by storm and by God, she did that with everything and then some. While her path to fight breast cancer was awful, brain cancer was cruel and relentless. Susan committed to fighting the good fight. She lived each and every day with fullness, passion and rigour. She knew what it was to savour moments, to give pause to sunsets and rainbows, to lean into hugs and kiss with kindness and compassion. She knew the value in everything and everyone. Even just a mere few weeks before her passing, she was still running. She never, ever quit living.
Whereas I have been hiding with my mop and my broom, Susan was living “despite of“. Her challenges would prove to be insurmountable but she never let that stop her from living her best life. She looked at life with passion and she faced her obstacles with an inner courage that would make the mightiest of titans stop in their tracks. Susan continued to be her best self and make everyday a beautiful day. At her celebration of life, she was described as “the joy and sparkle in every room. Her laugh was all-encompassing and her bubbling warm light suffused every interaction.“
Susan lived “despite of“. She took her hill by storm. She was relentless in her conviction that life mattered.
While Susan’s hill was steep, I think we each have a hill that takes different shapes. It’s not the distance or the steepness that matters, rather, the enthusiasm and courage that we bring when facing our hill. To “storm” is to live despite of and to be able to rise above that which chooses to stand as a challenge, a potential opponent. Susan proved that life is short and within our span, we all have choices on how we want to live and even how we die.
Susan died at the age of 51 and leaves behind two beautiful children, a loving husband an extended family along with countless numbers of friends that will always feel blessed to have been a part of her world. She shared her magic making sure that everyone was touched. She made people feel seen and heard. What a remarkable gift. Her passing feels incredibly unjust given her exceptional nature to make a difference in the lives around her. “WHY HER?” keeps murmuring through my mind. It was obvious that she was so effortlessly herself and in return, the world loved her for it.
While I never knew her, I know that I have been changed by her legacy of how she lived life. I realize that while I have acted on some of my ambitions, there are many others that I have wrapped in blankets and folded them into the closet in hopes that I would forget about them. What I have come to learn is that my sense of anxiety and unease is not about what is external. My unease is the knowing that the life that I have tried to keep in the closet is yelling to be let out. I have a hill that demands to be stormed. What I have been doing is practicing on flat ground. There is more that demands my attention.
I can choose to ignore this calling and find new ways to numb or I can live like Susan and live life more fully. I have been afraid that my secret yearnings will cause disruption but maybe that is exactly what I need. I can do better. It’s not my ambition and dreams that need to be packed away in the closet, it’s my excuses. My floors can endure a film of muck but my relationship with my husband could do with a spring cleaning. The same could be said for my relationships with my family, many of my friends and colleagues. I can also dust off those dreams that I tried to leave behind and bring them back to life.
The past year has brought so many changes and upheavals. I felt a bit beat. And while I have risen and faced obstacles, I see that there is more ahead. I want to rise higher, reach further and find my authenticity that resonates as real. I don’t want to hide any longer. Half measures are just that. It’s the bigger jump that I want to make. And, of all my ambitions, I hope the one I honour most is the one to live “despite of” . Life offers no promises or surety except that it will be unpredictable. What is constant is how I choose to meet the challenges and how I choose to live and love. In honour of Susan, I vow to storm the hill.
With love,
Shelley
And Then I Jumped...... 