Lately I have been struggling with feeling stuck. Not just stuck as in “should I try a new wine?” but more like “what am I going to do with my life before I end up in a senior’s home”. Serious stuck.
I’ve talked about this before; where I “thought” I would be in life which is very different from where I actually am. I saw life on a beach not sand in my eyes and trying to rinse with salt water. Is it perspective? Maybe. At the moment, I feel like I am in the snow globe and being shaken about.
It’s a funny thing this thing called life. The rise and fall of moments that string together to create patterns and stories. The metaphor I am living at the moment is climbing mountains. What seems insurmountable becomes manageable by taking it step by step. There are days when it is hard and other days where I am left breathless by the view and have feelings of joy when I look back and see how far I have come. On those days, I close my eyes and lift my head and give thanks for all that I have. Big mistake. Look out for the avalanche.
Recently our family dealt with the news that my husband has been diagnosed with leukemia. While it was a blow and certainly sent us reeling, we chose to join the masses that have learned to live with cancer. It’s not easy. We take heart that our journey has us in “watch and wait” which effectively means that the gremlins in his blood are napping and for the moment, he is ok. Good mountain view. Except that each set of blood tests does activate some fear. “Is this the test that is going to show that the gremlins have woken up?”. Clouds that darken the view. We all have cloudy days, it’s part of the weather pattern that helps us appreciate the blue sky days.
A cancer diagnosis did derail us but we brushed ourselves off and moved forward. One step at a time, gratitude for what we had. Surely this was enough to manage? Um no. Cue the rumbling of the mountain, the roaring sound of snow thundering down the mountain with sole purpose of destruction.
The economy is not always kind. Watching my husband come home from work with all his personal items in a brown cardboard box was like being caught in the wake of the avalanche and we tumbled hard. I never saw it coming. Next time I am wearing gloves, a hat and definitely goggles. I was dressed for the beach. No one should endure an avalanche in just a bathing suit. It’s cold.
Yup. This really happened. Just when I thought it was safe to stand up, I got knocked down. Say goodbye to the pension, extended health benefits, dental not to mention a steady income that was helping us climb. “Waiter! More wine!”
Strangely enough, I don’t feel the need to panic. OK, at least not panic all the time. I do have moments when I yell “stop shaking the damn snow globe” and other days when I think “it’s nice to be inside watching the snow fall”. Either way, I feel stuck wondering where to go next which is like watching the “spin icon” whirl while waiting for Netflix to connect to the next episode or season.
And then the epiphany! The reason the icon was spinning, the reason I was stuck was because there wasn’t a next episode. I have lived out season one and season two and it’s up to me to create season three.
It goes back to what I wrote in an earlier post. My perspective of how life was “supposed” to be. I was so stuck on that and upon closer reflection, I see what happened. When I was imagining my life in my itty bitty teenage brain, I saw the fun of my 20’s, commitment in my 30’s, career building in my 40’s and then it stopped. I thought the momentum of the decades would carry me into my 50’s and 60’s. Imagine my surprise to learn that “momentum” is just a nicer word than “AVALANCHE“.
“Even the largest avalanche is triggered by small things” ~ Vernor Vinge
When I was 17, I saw people in their 50’s as being pretty close to being dead. All those wrinkles, not to mention elastic waist bands. Yea, you had to have one foot in the ground if you were wearing pants with an elastic waist band. That was my reality. I couldn’t see past what I thought was “old”. When I was 17, my parents were only in their 40’s. My perspective of life wasn’t fully formed. I saw my parents and then my grandparents and nothing in-between. Well, here I am at the “in-between”. Also, I am not dead and love my elastic waist band pleather pants.
For too long I have been trying to figure out what I want to “do” as opposed to WHO do I want to “be”. Good question. I am going to need a big stack of books to figure this one out.
I hit the local bookstore and went to the business section. If I went to the “self help” aisle, I just knew that they would want me to meditate. I hate sitting still, I have episode three to produce. I need to get busy. It was in the business section that I found REINVENTION by Arlene Dickinson.
For anyone who doesn’t know Arlene Dickinson, here is a brief bio from the back of the book:
“ARLENE DICKINSON is a venture capitalist on the hit CBC TV show Dragon’s Den, the host of the Reinvention podcast and the bestselling author of Persuasion and All In. Dickinson is the owner and CEO of Venture Communications, a company that she grew from a small local firm into one of the largest independent agencies in Canada, and a general partner in District Ventures Capital, Canada’s preeminent venture capital fund focused on growing entrepreneurs in the food, beverage and health sectors.”
In short, she’s a total bad ass but that’s not why I bought the book. I bought the book because of the book description:
At fifty-seven, Arlene Dickinson found her life turned upside down. Her company was on the brink of disaster. Her sense of herself as a strong, confident leader was in tatters. She was overwhelmed by feelings of loss, fear and shame. But only five years later, her business was booming, she’d never been happier or more excited about the future, and she’d raised 100 million dollars and build a whole ecosystem to help other entrepreneurs.
Harper Collins Publishing, Reinvention
Hell yes! Failure in the 50’s with a rainbow in the future. I wonder if she wears pleather pants with elastic waist bands. I’m going to say likely.
I read her story and this is what I learned. In order to move forward, I had to go back in time and do some some reflection. I had to look at my decisions, my successes, failures, dreams, ambitions and where I put up stop signs. I also needed to reflect on what worked, what didn’t and when did I stop imagining what could be? What activated my sense of happiness and joy? What was I doing when I felt most alive and connected? Spoiler alert, it wasn’t mopping the floors. Within the pages of the book, I was encouraged to find my purpose or to channel Simon Sinek, to find my WHY.
– Diagram of the Golden Circle from “Find Your Why” by Simon Sinek
I have become distracted with things that aren’t actually fulfilling. Sure, the floors need to be mopped but every day? Um. Strong no. That’s been an excuse. I wonder if maybe I have been on the wrong damn mountain?
After some reflection, I needed to move into the next stage which was a review of what I learned. Who was I? What are my super powers? Why do people want to be my friend? What is it about me that makes people feel connected (or disconnected). What did I want to do and who do I want to be? What legacy do I want to leave behind? What would someone say at my eulogy? Not small questions. Big ponderings. So where next?
Reinvention. Sounds easier and better than starting all over.
“Reinvention is about recycling and renewing your talents and interests and using them in a different way. You don’t have to – nor should you-erase your past and morph into a whole new person. You can reshape your life in ways that make you feel a whole lot happier and more fulfilled simply by figuring out how to capitalize on who you already are, and then coming up with a strategy to push yourself to new heights” – Arlene Dickinson, Reinvention
I won’t give the whole book away but it made me think, what if the avalanche wasn’t intended to be destructive, what if the intention was to just clear the way?
With a clear path, there is less to trip over. I can write season three using the same characters but giving more depth and providing more direction to the plot. It has to be intentionally thought out. Season three requires some perspective on what happened in season one and two. Without that, it’s just a new pilot series and I would have to start over. What pieces already exist?
“think about reinvention as a kaleidoscope: all the pieces are inside you already, it just takes a slight turn, a shift in perspective, for the pieces of your life to form a new pattern”
Arlene Dickinson, Reinvention
What a beautiful new metaphor. Be damned the mountain! A kaleidoscope and all the pieces are already inside me. I just need to make a slight shift. I love it. Just love it!
This week, I am turning 55 and major parts of my life have turned upside down and inside out. I won’t lie, there have been a few days when holding on felt too hard and hiding out was easier than looking in the mirror. I have great empathy for anyone else who is feeling “stuck”. I got an avalanche but others get monsoons that have no end and there is no choice but to keep slogging it out.
I am choosing to see a clear path and I am so delighted to realize that I get to write the next episodes. I was running a narrative that it was “lights out” once you hit 50 but that’s like saying gin is better with soda. By the way, it’s not. Gin is better with tonic and if you want to arm wrestle me on that one, have at it but I think I’m right. Gin is better with tonic, a splash of lime and in the company of people who raise their glasses and say “cheers”.
We’ve had a setback that was really just a gift in disguise. WHO do I want to be and WHAT do I want to be known for? HOW do I want to move forward and what dreams do I want to activate? Here is my pledge: Mopping floors, cooking dinner and cleaning the bathroom will be shared out to the family. They can pitch in. I have some new direction signs to put in the ground. All those “what if” thoughts….. it’s time to bring out the folder and make some decisions on what I want to “do” and what I want to imagine. What will I have regrets about if I don’t pursue them? And what ambitions can I leave behind because they just don’t fit anymore?
I was used to climbing a mountain but clearly, I belong on a beach! There are a few things that I am keen on doing this year and to be courageous, I am going to say them out loud:
- I will write a book. I will use this blog history and compile a few of the stories that I think might find life within chapters instead of a timeline on a website. OMG – that was so scary to say! If you have a favourite blog entry, please share it with me!
- I will start a non-profit and embark on an adventure of social enterprise. I adore the philosophy that life is circular and we can have collective impact if we continue to share. Let’s say I open a book store and all proceeds go to the non-profit and the non-profit funds another initiative and lives are changed and the circle of giving continues to expand. I dig it.
- I will celebrate more. When I feel a bit glum, I am going to move quicker to the data base of joy. Just this week I had the most beautiful gift. Friends recognized that I had gotten caught in an avalanche and I wasn’t wearing gloves or a hat and they reached out. They have invited me to a gathering and cleared the way. Let me articulate this. I have people in my life who want to be with me. I say light it up baby! That is cause for celebration!
Life is not fair and there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason for what happens. Yes, hard work and big dreams seems to work out for some but for others, the road is rocky and avalanche warnings are real and sometimes we are stuck in service to others because we need to take care of them. As much as I would have gladly walked out on my kids when they were toddlers and having tantrums, they were a part of my circle. I made a commitment to them and it sometimes meant I couldn’t pursue what I wanted. Jamie Lee Curtis said that the reason she took to selling yoghurt that made you poo was because she needed to be home with her kids when they were young. We do what we need to do. I guess I just hope that in these moments, we are kind to one another. There is no greater sore point than watching photos of someone at a fabulous resort when you are covered by an avalanche. While we don’t intend to send messages of “look at me”, is it possible we do and do we need to? What’s the motivation? Asking for a friend…..
And there it is. Review, reflect and now the reinvention. Thankfully I am not alone. I am so grateful for those that hold me as a part of their world. I can only hope that I give to you what you give to me and mine. For those that are caught in the storm, I hope you have a friend who will share an umbrella and that you can believe in rainbows and catch the trade winds in your sails. Safe harbours are good places to restock but don’t always support growth and adventures.
With love and deep gratitude,
Shelley
And Then I Jumped...... 