My favourite TV episode growing up was from the Jetson’s. The premise of the show was of a futuristic family that flew around in spaceships instead of cars, had all sorts of handy gadgets (oh wait, I think we call that AI) and best of all, when Jane Jetson went to cook dinner, she just pressed a button and VOILA – dinner! AH-mazing! She programmed what she wanted and it “popped” out of the machine. Better yet, it came in a pill so that there were no dishes!
I want to love a recipe like a story and I would really like to cook with love but it’s not my “thing”. It’s the whole “time” concept. The time to plan, shop, prepare, cook and then watching everything being inhaled in under five minutes does not really motivate me. Oh wait, and then there is the time to clean up. Strong no.
I like what Julia Child says. I am passionate about red wine, also white wine, coffee and chocolate. What do they all have in common? They are the equivalent of “one pot meals”. There. You’re welcome.
Now baking is a completely different story. I love to bake and I love to taste and to “verify” results. I also like to enjoy my baking with red wine and coffee. Yes Julia, I have my passions. In fact, I am so passionate that my pants don’t always fit. This is my new problem. I dislike shopping as much as I dislike cooking and yet, people seem to frown on me when I walk out in my underwear. Elastic waist people – it’s a real thing.
When I struggle with buttons and zippers, it’s usually when I go searching for solutions. And by “solutions”, a better description is likely rabbit holes. My latest rabbit hole was Weight Watchers. I dated NOOM but we weren’t a good match. I listened to a podcast on the new direction of WW (new branding) and I thought I could try it. This time I got smart. I signed up using my husband’s name. Turned out that was a good idea because after three days, I lost interest and when the BOT kept pinging me to remind me to “log my food”, it was easy to ignore because they kept saying things like “Wayne, success is found with commitment”. And since it was directed to “Wayne”, I found it very easy to ignore. Some people buy monthly gym passes and never go. I buy apps.
I want the “fix” to be quick and easy.
I also wanted life to be easy but it’s not. If you have been following along, you will know that our life recently had some bumps in the road. My husband was given the opportunity to “find a new career” and for four months, we have been practicing “early retirement” except without the pension. It wasn’t fun and we never played golf. I am wondering if retirement is overrated?
All kidding aside. Four months is a stretch and we weren’t just trying to stretch a dollar, we were doing our best to stretch the dimes and the nickels. I was also doing my best not to panic. While I can go down the rabbit hole of quick tricks to button up my pants (yes, I want to believe that a daily double dose of olive oil and Himalayan salt will work) I didn’t jump all the way into the rabbit hole of fear and panic. I would give myself a 7/10. I’d be lying if I said that I have been serene and able to easily mediate. There was definitely fear and panic.
There had been a number of resumes sent out and some good interviews but nothing landed and it was becoming worrisome. We reached the point where we were going to have to make new decisions.
I remember the day. I remember waking up and thinking “This is it. We’re done and if nothing happens by noon today, we need to make a new move”. I lay there and I knew that I would do whatever it took to get above water and nothing was beneath me. We were at the point where we wondered if we would be spending our summer with a hot dog cart. I might even have to take a job in a restaurant and cook. Yes, it was getting to that point.
And while I was thinking of all the things I was prepared to do, I realized what it was to just surrender and stop trying to figure out the end game. That morning, I lay down all my worries and with complete faith, I knew we were going to be ok and I was going to be ok with whatever happened next. We would not break and with that, I walked into the kitchen and said to Wayne “if nothing happens by noon, we need to consider our options”. I wasn’t afraid, I just was willing to do whatever it was going to take to get through to the other side and I felt peace.
I am not sure why the Universe thinks it’s hilarious to watch us bite our nails but at 11.45am the call came in and Wayne was offered an incredible job. The moment, the miracle and the power of surrender. It was like I had to reach the very edge and lean over to see the abyss and in that moment, I had to learn when to hold on and when to let go. I let go and surrendered all expectations and felt free.
For anyone who hasn’t watched Ted Lasso on Apple TV, it’s a “must see” and I am convinced it got me through this tough spot. What I learned is that I can have all the motivational sticky notes I want or a selection of possibly helpful apps but the “belief” has to come from within. It’s just that simple. When I completely surrendered and stopped trying to create the outcome, I felt a real sense of peace. I knew we were going to be ok. Was it going to be the life I thought? Maybe but maybe not. I let go of the outcome; I quit trying to control life and manipulate the pieces. And when that call came, I could breathe.
Some would say that what we had happen was a “happy ending”. I don’t see it as an “ending”. It’s the take-away lesson. Life moves up and down and in those heaving moments when we feel pushed, pulled, strained and tested that maybe there is need for a reframe. What if the obstacles aren’t to test us but to protect us? Jim Carrey “Life doesn’t happen to you. It happens for you”
This is true and I feel like we just came through a miracle. Yes it was hard, yes it was challenging but yes, it is better than it was and much better than I ever imagined. It makes me wonder what would happen if I let my shoulders relax and stopped bringing tension to my life more often. What would complete surrender look like? I’m not sure but I’m trying it on and it feels like a fit. When I practice surrender, everything is suddenly smooth and life flows. Life is more fun, I have more happy moments and less stress. Anxiety is losing power over me.
And here is what is also true. Yesterday we were in a tailspin and today we are in an upswing. This is the ebb and flow of life but what is new for me is my promise to express more gratitude, more often. The view that I have now is so beautiful and I am not taking this for granted. I am pausing to let these feelings of gratitude linger longer to create a new life rhythm. No matter my circumstance, I can always express gratitude and with gratitude comes joy and with joy, comes happy and that is like feeling sunshine from the inside out.
Looking back, I have no doubt that our recent adventure happened “for us”. I feel immense gratitude for the experience and feel far more content. It’s changed me and I’m glad for it. Why do the miracles happen at the twelve hour, when we wonder if we can hold on for another minute or feel that there is no more air to breathe? I think it’s because in that minute, we hold on longer than we imagine so that we can experience how strong we are.
And there it is. A recipe may be a story for a great meal, but my recipe for a great life is the people I share it with. I may not like cooking but I sure love my people. We couldn’t have managed these past few months without that support. Thank you to those that that walked with us, who didn’t look away but leaned in. Thank you for the generosity of love, friendship, care and compassion. How much harder it would have been without people who believed in us. Where we waivered, friends and family held us up. My heart is full and I am ever so grateful. As much as I would like the solution to be as easy as a twist off cap, there is something satisfying about the hard climb, reaching a pinnacle and savouring the view with those that we love. It makes me think I might have to ponder the concept of cooking as a new metaphor for living. We’ll see.
Don’t hold your breath.
With gratitude to you all,
Shelley
And Then I Jumped...... 