My husband and I dated for six weeks before we got engaged and were then married six months later. What can I say? When you know, you know. Except for what you really don’t know.
I knew Wayne was “my guy” but I was also realistic to know that we had moved quickly. We bought my engagement ring at a gas station in a little town called Field (population 350). It was one of those rings that they sold at the cash register. Very sparkly for something that cost $3.21. It was a good thing we got married six months later because that ring didn’t last much longer.
My wedding band wasn’t much fancier. We bought a simple gold band on sale at Sears for $100. My rationale was that it was easy to get married but likely harder to stay married. My request was that if we made it to 15 years, I would get my real ring. I figured that after 15 years we would likely have some kids, been tested and if we survived, we would buy a ring. We made it to 15 years but it didn’t make sense that we would put a bunch of money into something that just sat on my finger. Honestly, there was also a very good chance that I would lose it. Instead, we splurged and took a family trip to Mexico instead. That was joy.
I remember the easy days when I was completely enamored with Wayne. It was sheer bliss and everything seemed effortless. We scrounged together some money to buy a house for the bargain price of $74,000. It wasn’t much but it was ours and I guess having a house made me think a house needed a “housewife”. In a flash, was suddenly wearing an apron all day and behaving like June Cleaver, dutifully cooking and cleaning. I think I even ironed. And then I realized, I hate cooking. I also hate ironing. Cleaning made me feel organized so I kept that but otherwise, why was I wearing an apron full time?
I didn’t know how to “be married”. I had been pretty good at dating and short bursts of living together but day in and day out for the rest of my life? Whoa. There was a niggle that maybe I should have dated more than six weeks. We needed to navigate a few bumps. I just wish I hadn’t fallen for the stereotype. Wayne had blue jobs and I had pink jobs. Never once did I think that the pink job meant fixing the septic system but I could have colour coded a few other things differently. Cleaning the bathroom didn’t have to be pink and taking out the garbage didn’t have to be blue. It was the only playbook I knew. I see why textbooks go through revisions.
We chose the typical vows. “For better or worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish, til death to us part”. It sounded easier on our wedding day. I kind of thought “for better or worse” meant addressing the toilet seat being left up and “in sickness and health” might mean the flu. And on my wedding day, I vowed with all my heart to cherish Wayne forever.
We started poor so that was easy. It took thirty years for us to be tested with “sickness and health” and that little line “for better or worse” was a journey unto itself. There are plenty of stories and they were all chapters in the infamous playbook. We were married two years, bought a house and then had two kids with exactly two years between them. Check. We shared the vision of raising our family and working hard to ensure that things were ok. There were a million adventures and a zillion memories. It was hard but it was good because we had a shared mission. There was need for adjustment and a learning of what it meant to be a couple but also a family. There were fights. I might have held a hammer to Wayne’s head when he said “you just don’t understand” to which I replied “then for F#CKS sake explain it to me or I will bash your head in”. Not my finest moment but I got my point across. We needed to communicate. Every day we had to work for what mattered.
We have weathered floods, fires and more evacuations than what I thought ever possible but we did it. We lived in small spaces and yes, Owen slept in the hallway because we only had 800 square feet. Wayne thought we would save money if we bought a hot water tank that was for an RV. Sure, we saved money but everyone had to learn how to have a cold shower. Things are different now. Fast forward 33 years years and I am still in awe that my house has closets when for years, it was makeshift. No one uses the doorbell but I feel fancy knowing I have one. I should check the battery though…. I also love some other luxuries that didn’t exist in early days. It’s not just that my car has power windows, the steering wheel is heated! There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel grateful. It just wasn’t easy, there was work required.
Our daughter Megan is getting married in September. She is in that blissful state where everything is magical and her greatest stress is finding a DJ for the wedding. It’s so lovely to be a part of this early chapter. She has found her “person”. They have been together for five years and they still adore one another. They love being together and their time together. Simply, they are madly in love. I want them to enjoy this time because it is so special and incredibly magical. However, what I do know is that with the passing of time comes reality and bliss fades as a relationship matures. Storms are real.
Megan is in that beautiful place of planning their life together. She has her own playbook and I have every confidence that their journey will be good. She has a wonderful man who absolutely adores her and listens to her. She also listens to him. By all accounts their relationship is loving and respectful. But it’s easy in the beginning and I wanted her to hear from those that have walked the path of long term relationships to share their wisdom for how to keep the magic and perhaps her life script might have room for notes in the margins.
I organized what I called a “Mother Cluck” party. Nine women who had been in relationships for decades and would be able to share some wisdom of how to hold things together when “for better or worse” was tested. It was an amazing night. I took notes and filled 57 cards with advice. What was fascinating is not only how much Megan learned but how much we all learned from one another. We all can reflect on how to lean in, even after several anniversaries. There was nothing trite about the evening. Each woman was really raw and honest. They spoke about their challenges and what it took to keep going. They shared their perspectives, their regrets and what they would have done differently. Life is long.
These are some of the thoughts that were shared:
Don’t do your own catering at the wedding
Only invite people that mean something to you
Ask for for linen napkins and beautiful table cloths so you can make family events feel special.
Flatware matters
Don’t get photos in your undies – heck, just go au naturelle
Have a “signal” when you are in the mood
Don’t ever ask for a fondue pot
Stay to the very end of your wedding, don’t leave until you have danced and hugged everyone with joy.
Marriage is an amplification of all that is good. When that isn’t happening, re-evaluate and either get back in or get out.
Your partnership should double your happiness and half your pain.
Don’t take your relationship for granted. If you start treating others better than your spouse, hit the reset.
Make it a practice to express gratitude and say thank you. Acknowledge their efforts.
Make sure your “person” is your VIP
Watch for the “creep”. If you start negative behavior, you need to stop. You can’t take advantage of one another.
“You always…” just leads to war.
Your time together needs to mean something. Don’t get distracted.
Scorecards are for losers.
Truth: If you are both annoying it’s ok. It’s called acceptance.
It’s the little things that cause problems. Joke about it, being serious just leads to arguments.
Focus on the future vision together.
Work together on projects.
Make sure you connect. Take drives. Deck time is good times.
It’s ok to say “I’m sorry, I was wrong”.
Don’t go into a fight. Fight for the relationship.
Make sure you both stay in contact with friends.
And that is just a sample. Megan learned a great deal that night but so did I.
Wayne and I are currently navigating the “empty nest”. Gretchen Rubin who is an expert in human nature calls this “empti-ness”. I feel this. Our kids are grown and are off discovering their own lives. The playbook we had saw this chapter filled with grandkids. That may or may not happen. Heck, our youngest son still hasn’t had a girlfriend. Our playbook seems to have blank pages and we are floundering. What are we now? How do we get back to who we once were or do we? This chapter is blank and no instructions. The “Mother Cluck” party wasn’t just for Megan. It turns out it was for me too.
I have let a few negative things “creep” in through the door. Have I committed to being Wayne’s best better half. I was really good for a long time but I can see there is room for some improvement. I have slipped. Note to self.
And it’s not just Wayne. I have let “life” distract me from others who are invaluable to me. The Mother Cluck advice wasn’t just for marriage or partnerships, it was for friendships and family too. I need my own notes in the margin because lately, I have forgotten to make people know that they matter.
I don’t want to live with “emptiness”. I want to refill the bucket but that means reconnecting with purpose and intent. I have let “life” distract me from the people that matter.
Recently I attended a funeral for a wonderful man that endured brain cancer. When he was diagnosed, he was given a year. He defied the odds and lived three years and each of those years, he lived with more purpose than anyone I know. At his service, the high school gym was packed. His eulogy didn’t espouse hours of volunteering or decades of coaching, those that loved him spoke of feeling like they were the only person that mattered in his presence. He was a loyal friend who made life matter for those around him. He used his last years to lean into those that he loved. I was humbled and inspired.
What matters? The people that we hold close. All relationships take work and time. The playbook or script needs to blank because we need to fill in the pages with memories and experiences. I felt safe with my “playbook”. I needed a “template”. I’m not sure why. I wish I had been more like Megan and have a script that continues to evolve. Even sequels for that matter.
I used to be “busy” but not so much now. I just let the habit of “busy” take over. My new note in the margin is to reconnect. Yes, life is “busy” but what at what expense? Our health? Our well being? At losing connection? Seems a poor trade off.
Thank you Mother Clucks. Thank you for the reminder that what matters is each other. Thank you for reminding me that it is important to make space for the people I love. And true, no one needs a fondue pot, but I do need you.
This is my new chapter. Those that I love and ensuring I find ways to connect. Not just simple texts but visits and time. Creating memories and fighting for the relationships. Yes, relationships change and there are shifts but is the shift because we aren’t compatible or because I just let it go? Good question. I’m going to find out as I lean back in.
Life is only joyful when shared. Selfies are lonely, memories with others are enriching. Netflix has been fighting to have a full time relationship with me but that it empty. It takes effort to connect and I think that’s worth finding. Wayne and I have a wonderful deck not just for us but for all those we love.
Life if messy and as time passes, we are each thrown into challenges and it’s hard. I have solace in the company of those who are accepting. Thank you. You have no idea what your shelter means to me. I apologize for being absent. For better or worse, I choose better and making more notes in the margins.
With love and care,
Shelley
And Then I Jumped...... 