Category: 2024 And What Changes

“I” Before “L”…A love story.

Loss is hard. What I realized is that for 16 years, I had the chance to tell him that he was loved but I wasn’t specific. I would scratch his ears, rub his belly but when I was ready to get back to work, I would tell him to go lie down.

I do this with the people that I love. When I need to get back to things that I think require attention, I ask them to wait. It’s the equivalent of telling them to “go lie down” and I will get to them when I can.


Hobbes was a lovely dog. In August of 2024, he was 16 years old. He arrived as a pup and from that moment on, he had been a pain. He howled, he shed enough fur to make a coat; he was needy, he grew to be over 120 pounds and he was completely unruly. When he jumped on the bed, he took over. He was a big dog that claimed space; a ton of space. He demanded attention and in return, he was steadfast with his loyalty and faithfulness. He had one need…. “love me”.

It was Thursday August 1st and it was hot. Unbelievably hot. The type of heat that doesn’t let up and no sign of reprieve. A relentless heat with temperatures exceeding 38 degrees (100 F). For a country that is freezing most of the time, this heat was fierce. We had just sold our family home and I was waist deep in packing. Hobbes is normally underfoot but not that day. I looked for him and I found him under the trailer. At first, I thought he was just escaping the heat but as the day wore on, he didn’t move and I began to worry.

In recent weeks, he had struggled with stairs, he would walk slowly behind me and I was pretty sure that his sight was less then perfect. It’s easy to ignore the signs just to hold on for a little bit longer.

By early evening, and he still hadn’t moved, I knew the time had come and I called the family home. It was time to say good-bye.

We had to roll him out from under the trailer onto a piece of cardboard so that we could get him onto the front lawn. We tried to get him to stand but his legs collapsed; confirming that he was trying to let go. Each of us took a turn being with him, stroking his ears, nuzzling the backside of his head. Each of us speaking softly to him, letting him know how much he was loved.

Yes, he had been a pain but he had been our pain. His big tail coming into a room and causing us to all lunge for our glasses on the table to keep them from being swept onto the floor. His slobbering tongue, his big paws, his incessant need to be loved. He was a big dog with a big heart. Everything he did was large including loving us hard.

When it was my turn to say good-bye, I held him close. For sixteen years, we had been together and so many of those days, I had been exasperated by him but at the end, I wanted him to know how much I loved him. I hugged him and told him over and over again, “I love you Hobbes. Thank you for loving our family, thank you for being a part of our world”. I needed to tell him that I loved him. I was clear. “I love you Hobbes.” And then he was gone.

I kept my t-shirt, the one that I had hugged him close in. I wanted to remember how he smelled, how it had felt holding him close. I wanted to remember him and all our moments together.

Loss is hard. What I realized is that for 16 years, I had the chance to tell him that he was loved but I wasn’t specific. I would scratch his ears, rub his belly but when I was ready to get back to work, I would tell him to go lie down.

I do this with the people that I love. When I need to get back to things that I think require attention, I ask them to wait. It’s the equivalent of telling them to “go lie down” and I will get to them when I can.

I only go 90%. “Love you” or “love ya” is my parting phrase. To get to 100%, I need to say more. I need to stop everything and be very specific and clear when I say “I LOVE YOU“. Full stop. Let it all hang out.

Saying “I love you” is different than “love you” or “love ya”. It’s deeper, more intentional and definitely more vulnerable. Try it yourself. Say “love ya” and then say “I love you”. Can you feel the difference? It’s hard. It makes me feel like a teenager again when I said “I love you” for the first time. I had to muster the courage to spit it out knowing that there as a very good chance that they would stand there looking at me like I was from Mars. It was agonizing to feel so naked and exposed then. I needed to say it out loud but would they feel the same? Maybe it was just me and after blurting my confessions of the heart, they would suddenly realize that their mom needed them home to fold laundry. Saying “I love you” as a teen was excruciating. It was vulnerable being a teen and nothing has changed. Love takes courage. Even now.

I’ve been working on this. I intentionally am putting the “I” before “L”. I need the people in my life to know that they are seen, that they matter and that I love them. Be clear, it’s awkward and invokes a blip of weird because people stop and it takes them off guard. I think they wonder if they have to say it back. No, you don’t. We aren’t in high school anymore. No one has to say it back, you just have to know that it is real and it’s how I feel.

“I before L”. I Love You. Words matter but relationships are tricky. They require work and I know how often I have tripped up. The times that I would be with family and allow myself to be distracted by emails and text. The need to “check” work when I really needed to be checking in with them. I often hide behind my phone to avoid being fully engaged. Guilty. I have let things slip. That’s not to say that work isn’t important but it has to be balanced. My family has told me that I when I am working it the best time to ask my permission because they know I am not paying attention. I try to deny these allegations and cite my extraordinary ability to be able to “multi-task” but it’s not true. I am often not present and I am missing out. This needs to change. I use my phone to avoid when it it should be the tool to connect; to call them, to text them to stop everything when I see that they are calling. They need to know that they are my everything.

Life is fleeting and it’s easy to let things slide because we think we have time. We avoid hard conversations, pretend that disagreements didn’t happen and delay making amends. We believe that there is time but time slips away and so do people if we don’t pay attention.

This is what I learned in the summer of 2024. It was family and friends who were there when it mattered and in return, I have committed to letting them know that they matter. It’s not something I am good at but I am trying harder.

My personality can be a bit prickly and likely my insecurities make it hard for me to feel vulnerable. I fear rejection all the time which is why “love you” is easier than “I love you“. My fear of rejection is why I hide behind work and other distractions and why “love ya” is easy to say. I LOVE YOU stops time and maybe that’s good, even if it feels awkward and messy.

Hobbes was there everyday. Everyday he greeted me and wanted my attention because he believed in our relationship. Maybe it’s odd to compare life to a dog but they are so uncomplicated with their love. They know how simple life is. Show up, listen, lean in and be there when it matters. The paw on the lap is the equivalent of holding a hand. It’s so straight forward. It’s consistency that deepens the relationship. The discipline to stay focused and engaged and avoid the temptation to distractions. We need to stay focused and not get lured by shiny bobbles that give the illusion of importance. Things are not important; people are. We can’t give into the distractions because one day, it will be over and I personally don’t want regrets. I don’t think I have the luxury of that kind of time. I don’t want what I perceive to be important to get in the way of who really is important. I can assure you, work never shows up when times are tough but people do.

As we approach the beginning of the Christmas season, I reflect on the relationships that matter. The people that count. Those that held our hand and got us through. This is a season of gratitude and I plan on slowing down the pace so that I can listen more intently, be more present and carve out the moment to clearly say “I love you”. “I” before “L”. My season wish is for deeper connection.

I hope that whatever your season brings, it comes with love and if you have fractures in your life, this season, you build a bridge that starts with love.

Thanks for being here. I never take it for granted that you could be doing something else and yet, you have read to the end. Thank you.

With love,

Shelley

The Crooked Line & Seeing Round the Bend

In times of trial, it is easy to get lost and lose sight of what matters. My first inclination was to go it alone but what a foolish position that would have been. Oh look, is that my ego sitting next to my pride on the pillar of righteousness? Yes, it was.


I had a vision of a path that took a straight line and all would have been fine, except the Universe had other plans….

This week-end is the Canadian Thanksgiving week-end and it seems timely to extend thanks and gratitude. My world owes everything to those who care.

In December 2022, my husband Wayne was diagnosed with chronic lymphatic leukemia (CLL). These are scary words. This is not the common cold, this was not in my plan. If you asked me who would be struck with an ailment, I would have said me. Wayne is strong, healthy, forceful and able to take on any situation by just lifting his finger. If the world were to fall apart, Wayne was the person to guide us through. At least, that was the line I told myself.

With his diagnosis, we were told he would be on “watch and wait”. This was perplexing to me. Watch for what and how long would we wait? Modern medicine was clearly letting me down with this “vague” description of a diagnosis. More specifics would have been helpful. Will he lose his hair; oh right, age took care of that so maybe the question was “what part of life will he lose?”. On the darker side, I have to admit that I found myself wondering if should I buy a new black dress and speak to our lawyer? Was “watch and wait” normal or something else? According to my CLL support group, “watch and wait” could be years. Except that it wasn’t.

Getting a diagnosis that is completely unexpected is scary. LEUKEMIA is all I heard. People tried to tell me that it would be ok but until it was “ok”, it didn’t feel “ok”. I felt unhinged. I felt untethered because I wasn’t sure what was next.

Since his diagnosis, things weren’t ok. He was not the same. He couldn’t hike for hours or be faster than a speeding bullet or more powerful than a locomotive or even leap tall buildings in a single bound. During the winter of 2023 / 2024, he could barely walk down the driveway. His blood levels were so low that short walks had him gasping for breath. A small bump became a massive bruise and everything was just too much to take on. It was a miracle he could work and when he got home, all he could do was sleep on the couch. People said you could live for years with CLL. What they didn’t say is that just because you are living, it doesn’t mean that you feel alive. Ah, the insight into what “chronic” can mean and how to live with that.

CLL is a blood disease. I watched the man that I loved fade to someone I didn’t recognize. I remember reading a comment from someone who said “I’m so angry today. This disease has stolen my husband and I just want my him back”. I felt that. In April 2024 the blood results showed that “watch and wait” was over. Treatment was inevitable.

This is where I became a neurotic mess. OK. That’s not true. This is when I became a bigger neurotic mess. I really needed to know what was going to be happen. What was next? What was coming round the bend? It was the darkness of not knowing that kept me up at night. I imagined all possible scenarios and not one of them saw me looking younger with Wayne looking tanned and relaxed. The thoughts I kept having to push out of my head was “will he get through” and “how long does he have?”.

I remember the day that he started his chemo. We entered the elevator pushed the button for the eighth floor. There was a little plaque beside the number “8” that said CANCER WARD. I was scared and I tried not to cry.

We arrived at reception and the hospital foundation greeted Wayne with a handmade quilt. It was beautiful. It was a symbol of care, a metaphor that he was not alone.

He was hooked up to chemo for eight hours and when it was time to leave, he could barely stand. I had the check list of all the possible side effects and this was one time when we weren’t looking for 100% success. For someone so strong, it was hard to hear “this is the worst fight I have ever been in”. He was beaten and I realized what it meant when people say “fighting cancer”.

The next 24 hours were a blur and he ended up back in the hospital with tumour lysis syndrome. If you look this up, the description starts with “CAN BE FATAL”. At this point, I had to ask myself if my black dress would fit. I could barely breathe and was hardly holding on.

Things were difficult and why I have chosen to write today. We were in a tough situation. My straight path crooked but round the bend, it got easier. It was made easier and less heavy because of so many people in our life who cared. There was plenty that happened including COVID and more (we’ll save “complications” for another time). It was chaotic and living 90 minutes away from the hospital didn’t make it easier. It was our people that made it easier and today, I give thanks.

I tried to go into this feeling prepared but I don’t know if we can ever be prepared or be ready. The hope is for the straight line but that’s not life. Thank goodness for love.

In times of trial, it is easy to get lost and lose sight of what matters. My first inclination was to go it alone but what a foolish position that would have been. Oh look, is that my ego sitting next to my pride on the pillar of righteousness? Yes, it was.

Today I give thanks to every single person who took time to care. To those who offered places to stay, who sent care packages, to friends who banded together to give a moment of pause financially and to all those who called, texted and even came to help us move. The summer of 2024 will always be marked as the summer of gratitude. Not only for the many people who chose to keep us close but also for the miracle of medicine that allowed Wayne to bounce back.

This summer gave me the gift of humility. I didn’t understand chronic or what it is to struggle each day. Cancer felt like the end and for us, it wasn’t. It has been the catalyst for a new beginning; of learning what we can do despite of what happens.

I should mention that while I was rummaging through my closet looking for a black dress, Wayne was working hard to adjust. Not once did I hear him complain. He never lamented on what he was losing and always looked to find the positive. He stayed focused on what was important and kept thinking forward in a positive light. I was immensely proud of him. I don’t think I could have been as brave or as strong. He showed me what one can do, even in the eye of a storm.

If I had tried to navigate the path on my own, in retrospect, I realize that I would have fallen. My thanks is to everyone who didn’t let go, who kept us standing, who hugged us close and who gave us courage when we were afraid. My gratitude is for the whole experience; to learn how important it is to offer help but also to allow others to help. I thought I could go it alone. I was wrong and I am indebted to all those who chose to climb in through the window when I wasn’t answering the door.

“God draws straight with crooked lines”

“God draws straight lines with crooked lines”. Maybe it’s not God, maybe it’s the Universe or something else. For me it is and was God. I wanted the straight line, the easy path but He gave me the crooked line and in doing so, I learned so much more and I feel more human than ever before. I feel more mindful, more connected, more humble and certainly more grateful.

That’s not to say that crooked lines don’t bring pain and deep sorrow. This is more to say that life isn’t straight forward; it gets crooked when we least expect it. We all have “something” and in that, there is something to be said for being a little softer with one another.

Sea otters have an exceptional sense of community and how they live is how I felt. Sea otters need one another because they are vulnerable on their own. Because they don’t have a great deal of body fat they need to huddle together to stay warm. At night, they group together and they hold hands to make sure that no one gets lost or drifts away. This is my experience. My people held our hands and we didn’t get lost and no one let us drift away.

It’s hard to accept help; to admit when things are hard. In an era when so many people feel adrift, I wonder if we just need to find more ways to connect. To ask better questions, to check in more often. People laid their daily routines aside and made time for us and in turn, the difference they made has been unforgettable. The path is crooked but maybe if we hold hands as we go around the bend, we can feel safer and more connected and maybe realize just how loved we are.

To all those that never let go, thank you. It meant the world.

With love,

Shelley

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Invading France and When To Stop Watering Dead Plants…. Bring on 2024!

I want to live so large that I feel that I can invade France. I wonder what you wear to an invasion? I’m pretty sure I am going to need new sunglasses!


It’s 2024. Like many, I was hoping that with the turn of the calendar there would come change and a fresh start. Like something you could order off Amazon and have delivered. “Hope keeps the agony alive”. 

In preparation for the New Year and my hopes of what is to come, I bought a new dress to wear for a New Years party. A simple, classic black Calvin Klein dress that was perfectly balanced between a timeless fit and enough “give” that I didn’t have to hold my breath all night. At least that is how it fit in the dressing room. But that was November.

I tried the dress on again just before December 31st. Isn’t there a rule that chocolate doesn’t have calories over Christmas? Clearly a lie. My beautiful black dress just became yoga pants that fit too tight. Nothing like ringing in the new year looking like a squished donut with all the glazed jelly oozing out.  If anyone had any questions about my New Years resolution, my dress spoke for itself. 

I was not going to this party looking like a donut. I wouldn’t even dress up for Halloween as a donut so starting 2024 looking like a carbohydrate with icing was not an option and the clock was ticking. The quick fix was control top nylons but they only controlled part of the problem making everything else bulge. This was a 911 emergency requiring professional help.

My town is small and this was a big city problem. I drove 90 minutes and found a store that specializes in getting things to fit. I walked in and was immediately immersed in a land of silk and satin where every row felt like a rainbow. There were endless selections of brightly coloured under garments in every shape and size. Who knew there were this many choices in the world? Didn’t we all just shop at Costco and use “small, medium and large” to guide us?  

There was no way I was going to navigate this new world by myself and I immediately asked the gorgeous young gal with the fabulous eyebrows behind the counter for help. “I need to buy something to keep my bits in place to make my dress fit again.” She laughed and brought me to the back of the store. Luxurious silk and satin faded away and we walked up the stairs to a new section that was not nearly as bright or fun. I can see why this section was at the back of the store and not visible from the main floor. Featuring items of torture is likely not the best way to merchandise.  Everything looked uncomfortable and OMG, so boring! NUDE! Everything was “NUDE”. Is “nude” even a colour? I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure that Crayola discontinued this shade in the 90’s. I know why. It sucked and so did my choices and call calling it “shapewear” doesn’t make it any better. I don’t do yoga in my yoga pants either so I wasn’t fooled by the words.   

I almost walked out but vanity got the best of me. I faced the wall and chose a body condom that would best squish my squash and likely cause me to either pass out or die due to low oxygen levels. 

When I say a body condom, I am serious. It rolled on and yes, it smoothed out the wrinkles but there was not a single space left to allow for a pair of nylons. How do you go to a new years party with bare legs and it’s snowing outside? My helpful young sales person held up a new item.  It turns out that the answer is “stay up nylons”. What is this world and where is the exit door? It was all just too much.

When she asked if I wanted to try any of it on, I looked at her like she was on glue. Try it on? In a store? What if I couldn’t get out of it and she had to call the fire department? No. If I had to suffer the indignity of slow asphyxiation or the inability to get out of the condom, I needed to be in the safety of my own house where my husband could cut me free if needed. I acknowledge there is some risk in that theory as there are some days when he might be tempted to just leave me trapped and pretend he couldn’t hear my call for help but I was willing to risk it.

It worked out. Yes, I felt like a squeezed tube of toothpaste but the dress fit and the “stay ups” stayed. I just felt a bit like an imposter pretending to fit something that really didn’t. 

As I was getting ready for the New Year and trying to put mascara on without my reading glasses, I found myself asking, “what am I trying to still fit into that really just doesn’t fit anymore?” 

And it’s not just “what” doesn’t fit, there was also contemplation about “who” doesn’t fit. For 2024, I am doing a full wardrobe change and while I will keep some treasured things, I know I need to purge.

What have I outgrown that I can let go? This includes perceptions, unrealistic goals and ambitions and even some habits and expectations. I want to stop making compromises, berating myself for a million things that don’t matter and I want to stop apologizing ALL THE TIME as well as saying “yes” when I really want to say “no”. 

I also want to stop mourning the loss of a friendship. When they broke up with me, they broke my heart and I was sure it was “me”. I know that there are parts of me that can be irritating and ask too many questions or come with too much intensity. I have spent these past few years dissecting myself and trying to “improve” so that I can once again fit the friendship. I wore a body condom to “fit” a dress and for one night it was fine but for 2024, I don’t want to squish myself to fit into someone else’s expectations. Maybe I “look” good but it sure doesn’t feel good. 

When the clock struck midnight and everyone cheered, I admit that I cried. I was so glad to see the end of 2023. I didn’t love last year. It was hard and I was immensely grateful that it was over. Maybe nothing really changes as the clock strikes midnight but there is something symbolic about a fresh start that comes with a new year. I am hopeful that 2024 will be different but for it to be different, I know that I need to make some changes. 

Embracing change is going to be my theme song for 2024. This year our youngest will graduate and we will have an empty nest. I think I have admitted this in the past that I have hidden behind my responsibilities.  Using “responsibility” as my shield seemed reasonable and far more grown up than saying “I’m too scared to try” or worse, “I’m actually too lazy to change”. Being “responsible” and “busy” are excellent wardrobe staples and perfect excuses. 

Until now. 

I have run out of excuses. I am standing on the high diving board and not wanting to jump. Frozen in one spot. What if I don’t really want what I say want? If I really wanted to do or be something, why can’t I make the jump? What if I start on the path and run into wolves and they attack me or the chocolate cake needs my attention before breakfast and the new Netflix series will feel abandoned if I go for a run? Yes, I can see that a good goal might be to have better excuses. 

I’m worried that I won’t have the will power to do what I say I want to do and it is is easier to sit and “wish” for something rather than take the risk of not being successful. I can always fit yoga pants, do I need to fit my dress?  What if what I want to do is something I am terrible at? I know…. do it anyway if it brings you joy. Fair comment but it sucks to suck. Just saying.

And then there is the way that I look at things. I have a critical eye. Ask me anything about myself and I super critical. I am a bit exhausted with my criticisms. That nasty voice that sits on my shoulder and points out that I wouldn’t need a body condom if I would just give up carbs, eat 30 grams of protein for breakfast, learn to like cottage cheese and take up wall pilates after a 10 km run. I think the critic is definitely destined for the purge pile. What if I like the things that I have in my life because they are enjoyable and what needs to change is how I see things and myself? Those compliments I dismiss? Maybe I should start listening to them….

My new “go to gal” is Mel Robbins and she has a fantastic podcast (www.melrobbins.com). You might recognize her name as she wrote the book the Five Second Rule. I really like her. She is in her mid 50’s and speaks honestly about what it was like to be broke, broken and then rise. I’m a sucker for a good inspirational story. She started her podcast a year ago and why I am inspired is because she started it with a group of women and NONE of them had any experience. ZERO. They just did it from a room above Mel’s garage and in one year, they are now in the top ten podcasts on Apple and Spotify. Be still my beating heart! Like legwarmers, maybe our dreams are timeless too. She is the proof that it is never too late to start. 

The recent theme of her podcast has been about setting goals. She asks what do we want more of in our life and what do we want less of? She asks us to reverse engineer how we see our life and think about standing at the end and looking back. What is missing? What do we wish we had more of? As a start, she suggests we go through our 2023 camera roll and remember what felt joyful, fun, uplifting as well as reflecting on what was hard and we wish we could delete.  Reviewing the closet is a good first step before a big purge. 

Mel’s next piece of advise is asking WHY and then HOW. She suggests that if your goal doesn’t have a strong WHY then it’s likely you won’t follow through. Right now I am taking classes at a Simon Fraser University. My goal is to get a degree and my WHY is because I don’t want to get to the end of the yellow brick road and regret that I didn’t do it. I want the letters, the success and I want to complete something I know I am capable of. The HOW is mapping out the courses I need, cite work experience that could be in lieu of course credits and then start. It’s one course at a time. 

WHY do I want this?

HOW will I accomplish this?

It’s not going to be fast but my WHY is strong enough to keep me motivated. To take this on and do it well, I need to make room in my schedule. I have to purge commitments that will otherwise distract me from achieving my goal. My WHY is my north star and not even wolves, chocolate cake, Netflix or otherwise can push my off track. I also know HOW to accomplish this. I used to only ever have one line goals and sure, while checking off “get up”, “have shower” and “get dressed” were easy to cross off, it was the harder goals that tended to stay on the list. Get a degree. Left on its own, it seemed daunting. Mapping out the HOW is making it realistic. Game changer. 

Skinny jeans no longer fit me and either do other parts of my life. I have outgrown things. It’s time to purge and find what does fit. To quote Mel Robbins, “stop watering dead plants“. Agree. So what’s next?

If you have been following this blog, you know that I am a HUGE Ted Lasso fan. Every character has so much to offer. Today I want to shine a light on Keeley Jones. She is the character that played a little shallow until she met Rebecca who encouraged her to roar. Rebecca is strong (and tall!). There is an episode where Rebecca showed Keeley what it was to stand in her own power. And in seeing this, Keeley says “Fuck, you’re amazing. Let’s invade France“. 

I want to invade France! I wonder what you wear to an invasion? I am pretty sure I am going to need new sunglasses.

There it is friends. Life is change. It’s knowing what to keep, what to thrift and what to hold onto because it brings feelings of joy. Sometimes we have to squeeze into things because it’s what needed for a night but we don’t have to suffer life asphyxiation or keep watering dead plants. 

For 2024, here’s to the invasion!

With love and care and the belief that good things are coming….

Shelley

“You’ve got to stop watering dead plants” is a metaphorical way of saying that it’s important to let go of things that are no longer serving us, whether it’s relationships, habits, or even ideas. Find your bloom!