“Stop trying to write your story with someone else’s pen and, instead, start using your own.” – MJ DeMarco, author of Unscripted
I’m reading a book right now that is nothing but smut and it’s delicious! A perfect summer afternoon read. There are no surprises. Unsuspecting woman becomes hero after having to work incredibly hard to earn the respect of her team. Especially, the team leader and…..wait for it…..who is in love with her. Oh the tension that persists over the next 200 pages. I am reading the perfectly scripted romance with a happy ending. Love it.
It would be nice if this was life. Just follow a script; the infamous “Life Handbook” that comes with step-by-step instructions. Not complicated like IKEA but easy like Apple TV and with pictures.
I last wrote about having a big life dream but being afraid to pursue it. Reader response was kind and generous with the encouragement to “just do it”. I can see why this was so successful for NIKE. I think it’s great for a t-shirt but to put it into action? Scary. Very scary.
If I just “did it”, this is my biggest fear:
Said person pursues dream and puts everything on the line. She believes with all her heart that this is possible. The house is re-financed. The car is sold. She can no longer indulge in good coffee but drinks Folgers instant coffee knowing the sacrifice is worth it. After all the blood, sweat, and tears, the day finally arrives. She flings open the door. She is ready to welcome the world only to find that no is there and she has failed.
Monsters are real. Bad things happen. Life is scary. And love doesn’t last (yes, team leader, I’m talking to you!)
Why would I think this? Oh, let me count my reasons.
- I have run businesses before, and it is noteworthy to mention that I am not anymore…..
- I thought it was a good idea to raise pigs. I still can’t eat pork.
- Covid was not financially kind
- I have opened the door and saw the monsters. They had bad names called “Unemployment” and “Cancer” and they moved in with us.
- My eyesight sucks and so does my confidence.
I have other things that suck too. My sense of style, fashion, timing and I have a pushy personality that can be irritating. My husband Wayne will attest that he is not enamored with my many questions and relentless inquiry. He finds me exhausting at times. I am pretty sure this is why he took up hunting. A hobby that requires complete silence. Note to self.
When Wayne got sick and then lost his job, the floor fell out from under me. He then got really sick last year. Chronic moved into something I didn’t recognize. He couldn’t catch his breath walking to the end of the driveway. Just getting up was hard. I didn’t know this new reality and I moved into full fear. What if he didn’t get better? What if cancer won?
Over the past year, I have put all my energy into being “safe” and “comfortable”. And we are. It wasn’t always this way. For years, we lived on the edge and there were many sleepless nights when I stayed awake with worry. But it worked out and truth be told, I liked the adventure. There is something satisfying about the stories that we can now tell. It wasn’t a scripted life and no guarantee of the happy ending, and it was marvelous.
But then we got older, and shit got real and somewhere in the middle, I lost my nerve.
People ask me how I like the new house etc. I have been wondering why I don’t immediately say “I love it”. Yes, having more than one bathroom still feels like a luxury. A linen closet? Be still my beating heart and a freezer that makes ice? Heaven. It’s comfortable but what is uncomfortable is the cost of it all. Working to be “safe” is wearing thin. I feel beholden to work in a way that I never have. I now understand the phrase “bored to death” and I can’t live like that. I am going to dread the next twenty years if I continue to choose “safe” and don’t jump.
So that’s what I am doing this summer. I am breaking up with comfort and safety. I am rebuilding the needed the skill set to “just do it”. This summer is the summer of “YES”. I’m not going to overthink things, I’m just saying YES to adventures, and it’s been awesome. Maybe things haven’t worked out but maybe that was just training in disguise. Maybe it was for the best. I did learn from my mistakes and maybe that was the point. Maybe that is how I got to “here”. Maybe “mistakes” are just directional signs in disguise.
I am also looking at those around me as positive inspiration.
A friend recently wrote “…….it far exceeded every expectation we had. It would have stayed a “one day” dream if Kevin didn’t push to keep it moving forward and believing it could work”.
That’s what I want. I want my “one day” to become real and it won’t happen if I stay comfortable. My friends inspire me because they stepped outside of a scripted life and gave life to their dream. They are “just doing it” DESPITE a million setbacks. They persevered and it’s working. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it. I want to be in their camp. Doing it and not worrying about a life of regret.
There is a quote attributed to Albert Einstein that says “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.“
I was stupid thinking that I could climb a tree. I am a fish. I know this because I am afraid of heights.
What if we (and by “we”, I mean “me”) lived with more confidence in our abilities and didn’t conform? What happens when we break from our script and suddenly discover we can do something bigger than our fears? What if we can swim?
I have been scared, and I don’t want to feel like that anymore. When I indulge in daydreaming about the things that I want to do, it feels incredibly peaceful. I love feeling how it feels and guess what? I never feel afraid. It’s the same sense I get when I am floating on my back on the lake or in the river. I feel weightless and then I look up at the sky with awe and wonder. No matter where you are, there are ways to look up.
Some of us are meant to climb and some are destined to swim. Maybe there are times when we need to climb because it’s not safe to swim. Maybe we have to swim when there is nowhere to climb. I think what Einstein was trying to articulate is that we shouldn’t stay in a place where we won’t thrive.
A friend of mine also went through cancer with her husband. We talked about it as the “before and after”. She described coming out of it with something that might be described as PTSD. I get that. Likely many of you have had the same experience. Something that shakes you so hard, you don’t know if you can ever come back together. Fear helped me hold it together. I am back together, and I don’t need to feel afraid anymore. We came through it. We’re safe and we don’t need to be afraid anymore. Bad things will always happen, but we get better at dealing with them. I wish that life was the smutty novel but what’s the fun in knowing the ending? Where’s the adventure in that?
Here’s to breaking free of that which holds us back. Here’s to looking up at the sky and making “one day” come true. I can’t wait to start!
Love,
Shelley
And Then I Jumped...... 