And Then I Panicked…..A Covid19 Moment

How did the 1993 movie Groundhog Day go from “iconic movie” to modern day reality? I used to think that movie was hilarious. I now think the plot line sucks.

Every day is the same. “Get up, make coffee, have a shower and get dressed”. This is “success” for 2020. For the super achievers, they put on pants. The rest of us are still in leggings.

The new monotony of Groundhog Day is sucking the life out of me. Yesterday I sat in the car and turned it on just to see if it still works. Today I might take it for a spin around the driveway.

“Be still my beating heart” is not just love reflection, it is also one of the first signs of panic.

In the past three weeks, due to C19, I have joined millions in losing an income, likely losing a business and certainly losing my mind. I used to feel productive, useful and engaged. Now I get dressed and call it a day.

Part of my panic is wondering what I am going to do PC19 (Post Covid19). What is life going to look like? What skills do I have that will be relevant? What if I take a chance and “follow my heart” only to find out that it’s a bust? What am I going to do for work?

A friend sent me a text saying she was thinking of becoming a Phone Sex Operator. Likely a good idea. Can you imagine? No one would even have to know. You could be in the bathroom, screaming loudly “OH GOD!!” and everyone else in the house would listen and say “I’ve got to remember to put the lid down”.

Will I have what it takes for the next step? I’m from Generation X. We have been reinventing ourselves for 3 decades and I don’t know if I have another costume change in me. Gen X has survived three recessions; early 1990’s, early 2000 and let’s not forget 2008 when everything went to shit which gave us just enough time to recover for COVID19. Anyone else want to start drinking at 10am?

Yesterday I was feeling the pain of having to work up the energy to face that mountain and climb it once again. I hate that mountain. It is mean. It has steep slopes, jagged edges and quite frankly, I’m not sure that there is even a view from the top. I feel sad, angry, overwhelmed and somewhat distraught. It is uncomfortable living in the “unknowing” of what comes next.

When facing the peril of panic, I turn to podcasts and cleaning my floors. Podcasts inspire me and cleaning the floors reminds me that I will always have a job.

The podcast I chose was from Brene Brown (BB) and she talked about how people “show up” in times of anxiety. That got my attention. I learned that I am an “over-functioner”. I am not sure that is a word but I love it and it describes me. When there is a “situation”, I whip open the closet door, throw on my cape, grab my broom and fly into action. Forest fire that we have to evacuate for? Not a problem. Pack, label, organize and create a spreadsheet database. Community economic meltdown? Easy. Throw together dinner for 200 and done. Manage through a worldwide pandemic? Nope. I’m stuck.

For an “over-functioner” who is having to “stay home”, I have way too many hours of doing nothing but watching my hair get long and grey. I don’t feel I am contributing in ways that feel useful. I don’t actually “do” anything these days. What BB pointed out is that my need for “doing” was actually my way of avoiding “feeling. Oh f@ck. Now I need serious therapy.

Doing “nothing” is causing me to think and feel in ways that are uncomfortable. Instead of reveling in a life that has slowed down, I am projecting worse case scenarios.

I wondered if I should start breathing and practicing calm. Could it be that a world wide pandemic is the perfect time to figure out what I really want to do with the rest of my life? Maybe, a pandemic is a peek in the door to see what I might like instead. Maybe, tomorrow is a second chance and that fresh start I thought I might never have.

There are parts of my life that I don’t love but I typically stuff them in the drawer of “let’s not think about that” or shove them in the closet called “no, it’s not that bad”. What if post pandemic, I emptied the drawer and cleaned out the closet?

I’m not 100% sure where this thought might take me but while I dust the lightbulbs I will think about it. How bold could I be with my answers if I honestly asked “what if…..” and let my imagination run free? The possibilities suddenly seem more exciting than my panic.

I promised this blog would be about admitting to my stumbles, my awkwardness, my fears and much more. If you have moments like me, I want you to know, that you are not alone. I am scared and I am going to try and overcome that. I am also going to try wearing pants. Small steps.

With love and care,

Shelley