A Mother’s Day Tribute to The People Who Stopped Us From Eating Our Young….Happy Aunt’s Day!

My life goals never included motherhood. Children didn’t interest me. The exception to this was when I was babysitting and I was paid.

I remain immensely surprised to be a mother to three children. Perhaps the bigger surprise was having two children and then having a third eight years later. No, this was not a result of a second marriage. Yes, there was alcohol involved but that’s another story.

When our first child was born, I went to the hospital with three sets of cue cards. One for me, one for my husband and one “just in case”. The cards outlined the three stages of birth and suggested phrases of support. If my cue cards weren’t stupid enough, I also declined “drugs” but only because I had packed a small bottle of vodka as a back up pain plan. I’m not kidding but I am super embarrassed……

No one read my dumb cue cards and I forgot I had packed the vodka. All best laid plans went to hell and I just remembering looking up at the clock after hours and hours of horrific back labour and thinking “I’m pretty sure the cue cards said that we would be done by now“. This thought was followed by “how the hell do I get to stage three“?

The awful reality was that stage three was only achieved by actually giving birth. F*CK.

If I gave birth, I would then become a parent. I took Young Drivers of Canada to learn how to drive and I went to marriage counselling prior to the wedding. How was it possible that the hospital was just going to let me leave with a baby? No screening questions, no criminal record check and no one even looked in my bag to see if I had cracked the seal on the vodka bottle. They let me leave after seeing that we had a certified car seat. OMG.

Flash forward two years when baby number two arrives. If you think a pandemic brings on day drinking, try a husband in school and living in a one bedroom apartment with an overactive toddler and a baby that has colic.

I was not a natural parent. I needed help. PLENTY OF HELP. In addition to my own Mum, what really got me through was the “aunties” of the world.

The “aunties” are my sister (my AMAZING sister!!) and extended relatives but also those other magical people who helped along the way. They were the friends that gave baby showers and who offered to babysit. They were the people that talked me out of the bathroom after I locked myself in for a “timeout”. They held my hand when things got tough and hugged and cheered during major milestones of joy. They are the ones that still remember each of the kids names which is helpful because I always forget.

These friends and family members are the honoured “aunties” and an invaluable part of my children’s upbringing. At every stage, they extended kindness and support. And never judged. OK, when our third fell in the well, there were some raised eyebrows but honestly, he’s fine and has even learned to swim. The point is that when I made mistakes, it was the “aunties”, that supported me and kept me on track. They also made me laugh.

These beautiful souls went shopping for grad dresses, took the kids for dinner, taught them to ski and surf. They remembered birthdays and when left in charge, even made French toast as a special request. They filled in where I had gaps.

Glennon Doyle wrote “Blessed are those brave enough to make things awkward, for they wake us up and move us forward“. I hope that every mom has a team of “aunties”. They ask the hard questions. “Are you sure you want to do (or say) that…” “Have you checked…..” “Did you consider…..” and of course the big question “Don’t you remember when you were ……”. That last question was always tricky because I have to be accountable to those who have proof of my teenage years. As side note, if my children ask, I was perfect, never snuck out at night AND a virgin when I got married.

My kids are better because of those outside the role of “parent”. The “aunties” are the best influences and the greatest support. They are perspective and balance and the only side they “choose” is love for all. They are the compass in the storm and the touchstones for ever after. It’s not only my kids who are better but I am better because they weighed in and weren’t afraid of the awkward moments. They woke me up and moved me forward.

This year, my version of “Mother’s Day” will include “Aunties Day”. This year, I celebrate all those women who stepped in and walked beside me to make a difference. Thanks to them, I have three great kids who are the sum parts of genetics and external moments of love. Unconditional love is not the sole lawn sign that belongs to moms, it’s a whole big team who can wear the uniform with pride.

I am not enough. Kids need more than just the mother and the father; kids need the collective and sometimes the collective takes on different faces. My mother became the Grandmother, my sister becomes the Aunt and my friends are the “aunties”. My relationship to each of them is different than the relationship they have with my kids but it works to create the whole. Without them, I know I would have cracks. The “aunties” give kids a place to “be free” of parental judgment and nuttiness.

While I never thought I would be a mother, here I am. I still haven’t done a criminal background check but with the exception of falling in the well, being left at the hockey arena and maybe forgetting to pick them up after basketball, no one is in jail. And that includes me.

To all the amazing people who have shared in the journey of my kids, thank you! Thank you for being the safe space, the letter of reference, the person that dropped everything to listen and who always gave the gift of love. In my heart, I dedicate Sunday May 10th to you and the deep difference you have made to me and my family. You are my miracles and I am beyond grateful.

With love,

Shelley